i was going to college. she'd be a sophmore in highschool, even though she was 17 ( i was 18 ) , she had messed up in school due to some circumstances she wasn't able to get over, with her grandmother passing away. her grandmother always lived with her and that was a monumental thing when she passed. i understood that, thought i could get past it.....

long story short, around november of 2006, 2 months after i started college and she re-started highschool, ashley dropped out of highschool altogether. i dropped out of college, knowing damn well i didn't want to be an auto mechanic, figuring i'd rather pay for one semester of useless college than 4 semesters of useless college.

still, no big deal. we were two months into a relationship. we were in love. everything was perfect with us, we were perfect, we were made for eachother, right? it's no big deal, i can just get a job and she can just take 2 days of her time and get her GED. shit, no big deal, it's not like it's hard or anything.

lol.

yeah, we were the perfect couple. we were gonna get married and have a sweet honeymoon. we never fought, we never argued, we were always together, sometimes days at a time. for three months, we lived together. from september 7th 2006 to september 24th 2008, the only time we went more than a week without seeing eachother was when she went to california this summer.

2006 passed, we both still worked at target.
2007 was fantastic. lots of firsts, we overall just felt good and were even better and stronger as a couple. my love for her grew every passing day. she stayed over my house, she was the first 'friend" of mine to do so, ever. i had a phobia, because i pissed my bed until i was like 13, lmfao. she helped me overcome that. lmao. it's just fucking funny to think about now. but anyways, christmas came early that year lawlz..


2007 passed. 365 days. ashley had quit target, got a job at shaws and quit. i encouraged her the whole way to quit both jobs, because they both treated her like scum and nobody should have to swallow their pride and degrade themselves that much for minimum wage, atleast here in america. she was better then that, and i knew it, i was certain. all she needed was her GED to get a better job and improve the quality of her life, quality of the jobs she could hold, quality of everything.

yep, thats all she needed. a piece of paper that was the equivalent of a diploma.

i got a job with the TSA. it wasn't anything extraordinary, but it was a good, secure job that pays 30k a year plus overtime... gives me government benefits... it was a step in the right direction. although i have become somewhat disgruntled with my job, i still know deep down that it's not back-breaking work, it's a government job, my pay is good for a 20 year old.. i have no right to complain.

i started to put the pressure on ashley to get her GED in 2008, this year. after all, it has been two years since she dropped out of school, and there was clearly no reason for her not to have it. but anyways, it was just an afterthought at this point. we went through the first half of 2008 pretty smoothly. i bought her a ring with pink diamonds in it for valentines day. we had fun, but things were starting to change, and i knew it. people started asking me if she got her GED yet, or how her job was going. it was a tough thing to say that she had neither. it was a wakeup call. people implied to me that she SHOULD have one, the other, or both by now... i got angry, i denied it. it was true. no matter how i looked at it. and i looked into it alot. i fucking racked my brain like a motherfucker. for months. months, and months, and months. we talked about it briefly sometimes. we got into a few fights. i would tell her.... "ashley, in order for us to have a future, you need to prove to me and to everyone else that you're capable of handling a little responsibility. you need to show some initiative."

like i said, i was a teenager 5 months and 11 days ago. all of the sudden, i'm technically in my twenties.

a relationship isn't about hugs and kisses. it's about a fair balance. love, responsibility, and compatibility. two out of three isn't enough. i couldn't afford to put a decent roof over my family's head on one salary. this is 2008, and the world is knee deep in a financial meltdown. if i could buy a house in the boston area on a 30,000 dollar salary, you can bet your ass it wouldn't be a nice one.

as serious and as long-term as our relationship was, i had no choice but to scrutinize it. i HAD to think of the future. you never think you'll date someone for two years and then just randomly break up. nobody thinks that, nobody should think that, because then we'd never have any good memories of anything. if ashley was unwilling to clean up our little sad excuse of an apartment, if she was unwilling to take two days out of her time to get her GED, if she was unwilling to call people back for job interviews... if she WAS willing to default on a 300 dollar credit card... .. she couldn't possibly take things to the next level. it started to hit me really hard. we could never ACTUALLY move out together (our apartment was in her basement) ..... she wouldn't have enough initiative to hold a job and pay for the rent with me. we couldn't raise a family... she wouldn't have the initiative to. all this fucking shit raced through my head constantly. i still loved the shit out of her, she still made me happy... but could it be, once again, that a perfect thing has been ruined by a circumstance that's 100 percent completely out of my control?!

the answer, for now, is yes mike. yes, you sad, fat sack of shit. fuck you and any hopes and aspirations you'll ever have, you worthless TSA drone.

fuck me, i'm a mess. let me trudge on with this entry.

we broke up for the first time after she got back from cali. i moved back home, we broke up. we got into an argument, she slammed a door in my face and hung up the phone and ignored me. keep in mind, that my head was full of the aformentioned information. i went into her house, hinted to her lazyness, broke up with her, and stomped out the house. with tears in my eyes, i went and cooled off and drove around with my friend nate for a while. we got back together for two months. i made it very well known now that she needed to get her GED and prove to me that she had some initiative to do something.

she didn't.

i tried every way i've ever known how to motivate her. didn't work. obviously. wednesday was just the straw that broke my back.

nate put all this info, our entire relationship, into retrospect with two sentences; a mock conversation if you will.

Mike Siraco: "Hey Ashley, I'll give you my undying companionship for the rest of my life if you go and get a piece of paper.

Ashley DiFiore: " No. "

Mike Siraco: "Ok, bye."


it's out of my control. the first time we broke up, i thought i had made a terrible mistake. this time, i know it's not my fault.

don't get me wrong. for atleast the next two months, every 11:11 AM and PM i'll wish for ashley to snap out of it and go and get some things done for herself. i'll pray for it until i go to sleep. i'll cry over how much i miss her multiple times per day. i'll remember things, and i'll just lose it. i'm at work right now, and i just did. my heart's broken. fucking shattered. and there's nothing i could do to make the situation better. i'm doing what i need to do. as unfair to me as it is, as hurt and as choked up as i am sitting here typing this... at logan airport... with a knot in my throat , blood rushing to my face and tears in my eyes... it's real life, and i'm not going to present myself as some sorry-for-himself sad sap. i know what i need to do. the world isn't fair, this is just another example.

ashley not getting her GED has reduced me to crying in jet blue's oversized luggage room, spilling my guts out on a public livejournal. and i wonder if she even takes that into consideration. i wonder if she thinks of how bad she fucked things up for me and my life, her and hers.. or if she just sits there and thinks i'm an asshole, all the meanwhile trying to find a new boyfriend.  lest we forget my overdrafted bank account/ run up credit cards due to buying everything for two. good luck finding someone as generous.

i've hit rock bottom.

i can only hope she changes her ways. i can only really, really, really hope with every last molecule i can muster in my body. i'll stick to that until she slams my ripped-out heart onto the ground and stomps on it.


i'm gonna try to dry my eyes before someone comes up to relieve me so i can go home and be even more miserable. adios.


 

hi livejournal. it's almost 6 am... i fell asleep at 11 pm, which is certainly a change. i'm usually a night owl, falling asleep in any form of PM is verrrry odd. well, my day was nothing out of the ordinary. i woke up at 11 10, took a shower, threw on my ugly ass uniform, drove to work... revere to logan airport is a 5 minute drive. but i have to park in chelsea and take a bus. so it's a 25 minute drive. this means im usually 5-10 minutes late. every day. but since im just another brick in a government-operated wall, nobody ever really notices. thank god.. lol... worked... it was busy, alot of people were flying, but that made the day go by quick. nothing interesting to report, besides the awkward little scenarios playing out in other people's lives there. bah. got home from work, went on line for a lil bit, then just felt like crashing. and it's awesome, cuz i woke up about 30 minutes ago, and i feel like i could last all day... but i can still sleep for about 5 more hours.. sweeet... lol....yeah. not really lookin forward to much in the near future. survivor series 11/23. that'll be sweet. but that's in 3 months. this week? i dunno. on my days off i'd like to catch up with some people i'm overdue to catch up with. and i'd also like to drive somewhere ridiculous with ashley. but i dunno really where... somewhere in nh or ma... i dunno. i'll think bout it. i wanna plan a trip to cali for around my bday (holy fuck i'll be 21) .... thats ofcourse with the mentality that ashley has money / a job, i couldn't foot that all my self, no fucking way. she got to go to cali on DJ CHRIS FIORE'S tab, how come i cant!? IVE NEVER LEFT NEW ENGLAND!!!! I WORK AT AN AIRPORT AND IVE NEVER BEEN ON A PLANE. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH......... i feel awake. i'll keep you updated.

well hello there, ashley random messaged me like ten minutes ago with all her old livejournals... so ofcourse i dug mine up.. and decided to make a new one. so, here it is.

here's my life in a nutshell.

i have a full time job, at logan airport as a TSA drone.. honestly, yeah, last year applying and training and all that shit, i thought it was gonna atleast be a lil fun.. i was kinda wrong. it's like borderline assembly line work. everything is so routine. it pays a fucking dickload more than target and best buy did (combined!), so i don't complain. it's a good job for right now, it pays my bills and keeps me happy. however, LJ is not a place where you gush about how happy you are... unless your 15 and just had your 1 week anniversary with your girlfriend... so let me bitch and moan for a lil bit. everything at that place is fucking micromanaged.got a problem at work? you have to go to the second deputy federal assistant mega super terminal level 70 blood elf manager. that, or one of the 92 other positions below him. it's kinda fucking dumb. not to mention the fact that a strung out 50 year old woman can come through security and call us all pricks and fags and we can't really do anything. i spose that's what i signed up for though. within the next 2 years atleast i think i'd like to actually DO something with my life, yanno, outside of a dead end job.. but i guess i should be grateful for what i have for now. not every 20 year old kid has a credit score in the high 700s. 

i love cars. i'm an idiot. if i could save my money at all, i'd probably have three different ones infront of my house right now. i got my license in 2005, and in that time i've owned 5 different cars. well, technically 4, toyota financial owns my car until june 13 2013.. or earlier.. lol.. i've had a 1995 ford escort, that i totalled when a lady hit me when i was taking a right turn... a 1983 chevrolet malibu that i spraypainted black with red racing stripes and crashed into poles/ walls/ old fucks/ mcdonalds until it just died.. a 1997 GMC sierra that was fucking nasty but got 3 feet to the gallon... a 1998 mustang that broke down 92 times.. and now i own a 2008 scion XB. yes, i drive that boxy looking car, and i love it. i wanna buy a muscle car to fuck with on the side, but that'd be dumb considering im in the hole 17something g's for the scion.. oh well..

i lived with my girlfriend from like march to july.. it was pretty sweet but i just didnt like the arrangements... it was an apartment owned by my girlfriends dad and we don't exactly see eye to eye on alot of things. i didn't like feeling like i had to be submissive, living under technically what was his roof that i rented. not to mention i got like 3 parking tickets in eastie, wtf, i never got a parking ticket anywhere else. it was awesome having our own space and whatnot, but i was unprepared for it and i.. well... i was a fucking slob. it just didn't turn out well. it didn't help that the apartment was like 75 percent built and i had no shelves, or anything. the best part about it was that i had a tivo, and my girlfriend and i could sleep together on my huge bed every single night. i loved that shit. i fuckin love ashley. she's a great girl. we have stuff to overcome, but what 19/20 year old doesnt..every day all i think about is all the time we have to enjoy with eachother, and i can't wait to do it. i love her. i love her, i love her, i love her alot. she's made me so much more comfortable with myself. when i was around 6, i was diagnosed with asperger's syndrome, which is a part of autism spectrum disorder.... i say fuck that shit.. over the past few years i think i've proved to myself, the world, everyone, that me having a form of autism is a load of shit.. a stinky load of shit.. yeah im quirky.. but i don't need a fuckin label for that..  everyone's so quick to throw a name on every little trait someone has. deepthroat my fucking dick. that's what i say. the cure for asperger's syndrome is to stop being a fucking pussy and go out to the real word and get laid... back to the topic at hand tho..i can't wait for ashley and i to get a little more stable so we can live together again. we've gone out since 9/7/06, and besides one little rough patch we've been golden. i broke up with her for like a week cuz she hung up on me. woopdee shit.

car, girlfriend, work.. uhh... what else is there to cover? my LIFE maybe?

sometimes my life feels routine, sometimes it doesnt. it really depends. i'm at a weird age.  right now, i feel really fucking fat and unhealthy... well.. because i am... but only i can break this vicious cycle i'm in. i work every day except tuesday and wednesday, and i work 12 to 830 every day. by the time i'm out of work, i'm just exhausted. everything hurts. i haul luggage around all fucking day, what do you expect? not to mention searches and pat downs. it just tires you out. and then you get mentally berated by  whoeverthefuck decides they want to...  then i eat... and i smoke cigarettes.. im close to quitting the smokes.. but no cigar.. HAHA LOL A PUN LAAWWLL.. but yeah.. lets not mention since i eat so late at night, and i eat pure processed shit food, i weigh something like 335 340 now.. oh man, i blew up. lol. yeah. gotta break that cycle. my after-work activities are usually playing xbox 360 with my friend nate, driving around with my friends youness and kenan, or eating/ relaxing with ashley. can't complain. once and a while things get shaken up a little. last friday i went to a little party at a friends house, it wound up being a total shitshow and it was just a fuckload of fun. i don't party much. i find the gossiping, the insane amount of facebook pictures, and the obnoxious girls annoying. but this was just fucking fun. everyone was over that shit. most of the kids there were 23 24 25ish.. it just felt liberating. no fucking facebook pictures. no bragging about how drunk i am. just a good time. maybe about 8-10 people there. that's a good time. 

when i say routine, i mostly mean my bad habits. someone help me kick them. when i get home from doing whatever i do, i usually just slam my head into a wall until i fall asleep. and by slam my head into a wall, i mean smoke cigarettes and watch youtube videos and read wikipedia.com articles. yeah. i'm the picture of health.

well it's almost 4 am, and i gotta work tomorrow. fuck. i'll keep everyone updated. i have to shit. goodnight